It's the stars that lie to you...
I can't stop thinking about Scott.. I miss him so much, and I just want to go home. My court date is on Aug. 3rd. Everything should go relatively well, so that's one of the last things I'm worried about. We're taking the time up until the court date to think things over.. Get our heads straight.. And make a few decisions. I've done little more than read, chain smoke whenever I can get cigarettes, and sit back and quantify since I've been at my mother's place. I realize just how many mistakes I've made.. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I let my insecurities and fear take me over. I hated what I eventually became, but I couldn't seem to stop it. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I should have never kept everything inside the way I did. I just shoved it to the darkest recess of my mind, and tried to pretend it wasn't there.. It was, though. I think all of this bullshit could have been avoided if we had communicated more, and at the right times, rather than keeping things to ourselves and then letting it escalate into an argument. Well, in my case at least.
Now that I've realized where I went wrong, I want so badly to make things right. I'm not entirely sure if that will happen, though. If it doesn't, it's nobodies fault but my own.. I've fucked up so many times and so often, that I refuse to blame any of this on him.. Even if he had a hand in bringing it all to this, I've fucked up more than enough to rightfully place all the blame on myself.
I cried, today.
And yesterday.
And the day before.
I'm not 100% sure that I deserve his forgiveness, but either way, I'm mentally begging him for it.
I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, now.. And hopefully get a little sleep.
I wish he could read this..
I love you.. I'm sorry.. Please don't go.
"I've made a commitment, I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment; I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way..."
-Staind - Right Here Waiting-
"i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)"
-Blue October - Calling You-
My slapping him re-opened a cut by his eye, so I was arrested. The cops kindly didn't put it in my statement that I hit him because he was having a seizure, he refused to make a statement... He didn't want me arrested, but it's FL law to arrest someone if there's probable cause and it's supposedly domestic violence, even if the 'victim' doesn't want to press charges...
They threw me in general population after my court appearance, and they set a fucking restraining order even though it says very clearly on all our paperwork that Scott doesn't want a restraining order, wanted me returned home after my release, blahblahblah... Now we have to go to court on the 3rd.
It fucking sucks. Our relationship was getting a little rocky as it was, but now he's taking this time to 'get his head straight.' You know what that usually means.. =( I just hope he at least gives us enough of a chance to talk things over and see if we can fix our problems.. =(
I just want to go home =`(
I'm staying at my mother's place, and she's crazy.. If he breaks up w/me I can't stay here, and I can't afford our place on my own.. *sigh* I don't even have my cat. He's at home.. =(
Doesn't life suck sometimes? Heh. Almost makes me regret moving away from jersey.. But not quite. Scott was worth it. This shit almost isn't, though!!!!
Sorry.. I babbled a bit.. lol