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cthulhu kittie!

September 2008

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states - spoiled_beauty

It's the stars that lie to you...

..A quarter after four a.m., and I'm still awake.. I'm stuck in what can only most accurately be described as a hypnagogic state.. This strange fugue state that's so much like a daydream; it feels almost as if I'm pacing in the center of a path that leads to complete wakefulness in one direction, and to sleep in the other.

I can't stop thinking about Scott.. I miss him so much, and I just want to go home. My court date is on Aug. 3rd. Everything should go relatively well, so that's one of the last things I'm worried about. We're taking the time up until the court date to think things over.. Get our heads straight.. And make a few decisions. I've done little more than read, chain smoke whenever I can get cigarettes, and sit back and quantify since I've been at my mother's place. I realize just how many mistakes I've made.. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I let my insecurities and fear take me over. I hated what I eventually became, but I couldn't seem to stop it. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I should have never kept everything inside the way I did. I just shoved it to the darkest recess of my mind, and tried to pretend it wasn't there.. It was, though. I think all of this bullshit could have been avoided if we had communicated more, and at the right times, rather than keeping things to ourselves and then letting it escalate into an argument. Well, in my case at least.

Now that I've realized where I went wrong, I want so badly to make things right. I'm not entirely sure if that will happen, though. If it doesn't, it's nobodies fault but my own.. I've fucked up so many times and so often, that I refuse to blame any of this on him.. Even if he had a hand in bringing it all to this, I've fucked up more than enough to rightfully place all the blame on myself.

I cried, today.

And yesterday.

And the day before.

I'm not 100% sure that I deserve his forgiveness, but either way, I'm mentally begging him for it.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, now.. And hopefully get a little sleep.

I wish he could read this..

I love you.. I'm sorry.. Please don't go.

"I've made a commitment, I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment; I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way..."

-Staind - Right Here Waiting-

"i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)"

-Blue October - Calling You-


what.. in the world happened??
A lot of shit that involves him having a seizure, me slapping the hell out of him to get him out of it.. Neighbors calling the cops because they heard me screaming (I am rather loud..>_<) and thought I was being beat.. He came out of the seizure, didn't know what had happened, and grabbed me.. We argued a couple of minutes, then he realized what he was doing.. We talked about it, went back to bed.. And the cops showed up.. -_-

My slapping him re-opened a cut by his eye, so I was arrested. The cops kindly didn't put it in my statement that I hit him because he was having a seizure, he refused to make a statement... He didn't want me arrested, but it's FL law to arrest someone if there's probable cause and it's supposedly domestic violence, even if the 'victim' doesn't want to press charges...

They threw me in general population after my court appearance, and they set a fucking restraining order even though it says very clearly on all our paperwork that Scott doesn't want a restraining order, wanted me returned home after my release, blahblahblah... Now we have to go to court on the 3rd.

It fucking sucks. Our relationship was getting a little rocky as it was, but now he's taking this time to 'get his head straight.' You know what that usually means.. =( I just hope he at least gives us enough of a chance to talk things over and see if we can fix our problems.. =(

I just want to go home =`(

I'm staying at my mother's place, and she's crazy.. If he breaks up w/me I can't stay here, and I can't afford our place on my own.. *sigh* I don't even have my cat. He's at home.. =(

Doesn't life suck sometimes? Heh. Almost makes me regret moving away from jersey.. But not quite. Scott was worth it. This shit almost isn't, though!!!!

Sorry.. I babbled a bit.. lol
But, on the upside.. At least my mother bailed me out. Heh. $500 bond, so she had to pay $100 and put up her car title. >_