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cthulhu kittie!

September 2008

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states - spoiled_beauty

It's the stars that lie to you...

..A quarter after four a.m., and I'm still awake.. I'm stuck in what can only most accurately be described as a hypnagogic state.. This strange fugue state that's so much like a daydream; it feels almost as if I'm pacing in the center of a path that leads to complete wakefulness in one direction, and to sleep in the other.

I can't stop thinking about Scott.. I miss him so much, and I just want to go home. My court date is on Aug. 3rd. Everything should go relatively well, so that's one of the last things I'm worried about. We're taking the time up until the court date to think things over.. Get our heads straight.. And make a few decisions. I've done little more than read, chain smoke whenever I can get cigarettes, and sit back and quantify since I've been at my mother's place. I realize just how many mistakes I've made.. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I let my insecurities and fear take me over. I hated what I eventually became, but I couldn't seem to stop it. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I should have never kept everything inside the way I did. I just shoved it to the darkest recess of my mind, and tried to pretend it wasn't there.. It was, though. I think all of this bullshit could have been avoided if we had communicated more, and at the right times, rather than keeping things to ourselves and then letting it escalate into an argument. Well, in my case at least.

Now that I've realized where I went wrong, I want so badly to make things right. I'm not entirely sure if that will happen, though. If it doesn't, it's nobodies fault but my own.. I've fucked up so many times and so often, that I refuse to blame any of this on him.. Even if he had a hand in bringing it all to this, I've fucked up more than enough to rightfully place all the blame on myself.

I cried, today.

And yesterday.

And the day before.

I'm not 100% sure that I deserve his forgiveness, but either way, I'm mentally begging him for it.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, now.. And hopefully get a little sleep.

I wish he could read this..

I love you.. I'm sorry.. Please don't go.

"I've made a commitment, I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment; I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way..."

-Staind - Right Here Waiting-

"i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)"

-Blue October - Calling You-


But, on the upside.. At least my mother bailed me out. Heh. $500 bond, so she had to pay $100 and put up her car title. >_